Month 3, week 9

Our first sonogram is tomorrow. I am a little anxious, as always. My sickness took a serious turn towards “most unpleasant” two days ago, and I’m wondering if I’m actually beginning week 10 instead of 9, since week 10 has been, in the past, the week where everything seemed to just get much worse. Since I was a whole week off with Aurick (even though I had a period to go off of that time) I’m wondering if I am this time, too. Tomorrow should give us a clue. I am looking forward to having a due date to base some things off of (namely the fact that I won’t make it to the due date. I know, it’s silly.)

One note on the lack of a period for the basing of calculations: I see this as nothing but the grace of God. Since the beginning of the year I have struggled with a never-before felt sense of futility and anxiety towards having more children. This was distressing and alarming, since it goes against deeply held beliefs on my part about the wisdom of God and the wisdom of men, the value of people, the foolishness of a life based on safety and mere happiness, etc. At the same time I felt this onslaught of doubt, I also experienced an onslaught of rebuttals against the thought that having children in this world is unwise and selfish. These came in many forms, from personal sources and impersonal sources. Sometimes I was tempted to ask the person, “Did God tell you to send me this?”

I have felt some trepidation at the choice coming towards me–once my cycle began again and we had the opportunity to knowingly avoid pregnancy. As it turns out, for the very first time in my life (ten pregnancies) I have conceived before even having a postpartum period. In other words, I didn’t have a chance to make the choice because I didn’t know I had the choice to make yet. Thus, this pregnancy is the biggest surprise of any I’ve had so far. I have no opportunity to be anxious over making the wrong decision because I didn’t even know the decision was possible yet. I am very thankful for that fact. It has saved me a lot of worry.

Month 3, Week 10

Our first sonogram went fine. I saw one little baby with a strong, high heartbeat. I learned I was correct in my guess of a May 1st due date–this means I have been right on track with my measurements of gestation. Since I had very little to go on, I will consider this a bit of redemption for the fact that I was off by a whole week with Aurick. This also means that I experienced my symptoms beginning on the early side, rather than the late side, which could be a pattern for my girls. I am trying not to put too much stock in that, just for the sake of planning, but I will also say I will be surprised if this baby turns out to be another boy. Not disappointed at all, only surprised.

One funny note–at my appointment one of the nurses told me that when the doctor learned I was coming in, he said something along the lines of “Oh good, she’s an expert.” Ha!

My nausea and fatigue became very difficult to handle in week nine, and that extended into weeks ten and eleven. I spent all extra time I could in bed. These weeks were, hands down, the toughest part of the first trimester.

Month 3, week 11

This week was something of a fog, along with week ten. I was mostly in bed, though I did have one or two good days. I found it very difficult to focus on anything, so I wasn’t even able to really do any reading or anything. I just felt sick and exhausted. Occasionally I’d venture out to get something to eat. (Chicken sandwiches consistently work really well for me during the first trimester.)

Month 3, week 12

Finally, a bit of light broke through. The occasional good days became more frequent. I was able to get up and complete some projects around the house, including tackling the MONSTROUS pile of laundry that had been growing throughout my period of sickness. I would still have a couple of good days followed by a couple of bad ones, but everything was just so much better. I still had some problems with my heart racing and being out of breath, even though the fatigue and nausea was easing up.