I always jokingly say that I never knew I was a control freak until I had children. It’s always good for a laugh, but I mean it sincerely. The fear that persisted throughout Ephraim’s pregnancy was the fear of the full knowledge that I had absolutely no control over the outcome of the pregnancy. And, after I was feeling more confident and in-charge, I got reminded of my lack of control through his tumultuous (though thankfully fast) birth and the trauma that followed it.
Ephraim’s birth was a shock to my self-assuredness and plans, and that shock followed me through the first few weeks of adjusting to motherhood.
There isn’t a whole lot that you can do to prepare you for actual motherhood. No book is going to tell you the exact personality your child will have, or the exact personality that you have, or the unique way that your personalities will mesh (or clash, as the case may be.)