I think I just need to come to grips with how incredibly shallow I am. I mean, really. All this time spent convincing myself that I’m above such asinine, juvenile longings only to have it shoved in my face that I’m not. And I despise it; I hate it with everything I have in me.
I just got home from going swing dancing with Chrystal, a different Danielle, and Wendy a come guys I didn’t know. It was alot of fun…learned new things, found out how much I like to dance. It should figure, the things I find the most pleasure in are so meaningless. Music, Language, Art, Writing, Dance. They’re as unsubstantial as a handful of snow. My trying to master them is like trying to catch a handful of moonlight. You can see it, but it’s not something that can be grasped. Why can’t I just be mathematically and scientificly minded, and be a teacher or nurse or something?
Sorry, I’m more than a little upset and peeved with myself, which makes me say things I don’t mean and shouldn’t voice. I’ll try to get over it soon.
I’m trying to write something meaningful about my trip up the mountain today. It was so beautiful, looking down on the valley, the other mountains and hills, the Ocoee river. Going up, everything was green…coming back down the mountain at twilight, everything was blue. I find it interesting. Trying to put it down on paper…
I really, truly feel like beating my head against a wall right at this moment.